Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Back with a vengence

You know it's been awhile since blogging when..... you can't even remember what the name of it is. Way back when I started this page... I knew it was going to be a challenge to keep up with it. Having not blogged in over a year, proves that.

I don't even know if anyone checks here anymore.. this is more just for me to write down all the frustrations. Sure the year has had its up's.. but, do you ever feel like you've just had a horrible day..week..month...year... or years?! Now I know when feelings get involved our view on life can get very skewed. Let's just say that there are SO many feelings involved that it is really hard to see the good, the positive. I am trying.

This is my desert. I can relate to the Israelites wandering around in the desert. It's not that I don't feel close to God or feel his presence. With so many bizarre things occurring around me, it does make me doubt myself and others.

A friend of ours here said, "The hardest thing won't be doing your ministry, it won't be the nationals... it will be getting along with the other 'missionaries'". Why is that? Why is there so much dissension, so much gossip, so much back-stabbing amongst the missionaries here? Living in a small town, everybody pretty much knows everybody. Somehow.. when one person says something about another.. that is taken as law. No going and checking with the other person to at least hear the other side of the story. So is that judging? AND... since I am ranting... why is it that christians can use the "I was seeking advice" excuse to go and gossip? It's not seeking advice, if permission hasn't been granted to that person to go and mention what was told in confidence. IT'S GOSSIP. There is a saying, "If your not part of the problem, or part of the solution... then you talking about it.. is gossip". I'm not saying that ONLY christians do this. In the circle of people in this community... by FAR.. it isn't the Muslims, or the Hindu's or the un-churched... it is the very adamant christians.

Frustrated is not a strong enough word. So many things are going on in my life, that at any given moment I could just cry. Or scream. Not sure which would be better.

So.. I have been getting up earlier so I can spend time with God. I listen to worship/praise music a lot more. Is it helping? I don't know. I would like to say it is. I am trying to live like Christ would want me too. In spite of all the poo around me. When satan tries to get you down... he really comes at you FULL force. He plays with your insecurities. Pushes that knife in deeper. And at times... uses others to dig at you too.

Through all of this.. am I behaving how God wants me to? Regardless of how others treat me. Whether or not those around who hurt us are christians or not, it shouldn't matter, but for some reason it does. It cuts to the core. Especially when the hypocrisy is so thick.

What's the comment made by Gandhi? "I like Christ, it's the christians I don't."

What kind of examples are we when we can't even get along with each other?

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